High School Student Sets His Science Teacher on Fire: A High School science teacher in Knoxville is reportedly in good condition with minor burns after a 15-year-old student snuck up behind her and ignited her hair and shirt with a lighter. Knoxville police say they plan to look into whether the teacher may have made any “incendiary remarks.”
Mick Jagger to Be Great-Grandfather: Its being reported that Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger is about to become a great-grandfather early next year. Lets just hope the child isn’t “born in a crossfire hurricane.”
Santa Charged for Groping His Elf: A sixty-two-year-old Hanover Mall Santa Claus has been released on $1,000 bail after pleading not guilty to indecent assault and battery for allegedly groping and making suggestive comments to an 18-year-old woman working as an elf. Apparently he must have mistaken her for a ho, ho ho.
UPS Driver Has Sex With Hooker in His Truck Who Posts Online: A UPS driver who decided to spend his lunch break having sex with a prostitute in the back of his delivery truck will probably regret his decision after the hooker took pics with her cellphone and posted them online. The UPS driver claimed all he was doing was delivering his package. Talk about the postman cometh. And for all you ladies, remember to “ask what brown can do for you.”
Scarlett Johansson Performance Disqualified From Golden Globes: The Hollywood Foreign Press Association has ruled Scarlett Johansson voice-only performance in Spike Jones’ “Her” is not qualified for a Golden Globe nomination this year because rules require an actor to have a physical presence onscreen to secure a nomination. Is that all? I thought maybe she had used “performance enhancing” drugs.
Historic Landmark Burned to Ground by Ghost Hunters: Authorities say a blaze that destroyed a historic Louisiana plantation rumored to have been home to several ghosts was deliberately set by seven intoxicated "ghost hunters" who became frustrated after finding no ghosts inside the house. This has angry residents asking “just where the hell are these ghosts supposed to live now?”
Man Planning Murder Accidentally Butt-Dials Victim: Police in Arkansas say a man's plot to murder another man was reportedly uncovered after he accidentally butt-dialed his intended victim who overheard the man discussing the murder plot and called police. Folks, this is what can happen when you start talking out of your ass.